move the fuck on, will you?

I'm talking to me, but, sure, yes, I'm also talking to you.

This is Bite Back, a newsletter from Tess Koman. One that was “rising” again in Substack’s top 100 culture newsletters this past week. Woo! Thank you!

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Every week after I publish one of these lil essays, I immediately drop the link in my family group chat. Every week (for 18 weeks, but who’s counting), no one responds. Last week, I poked: “No one answers these when I put them here, but I’m just gonna keep putting them here lol.”

…It turns out my new favorite way to be validated and devastated is to force people who love and are obligated to me to tell me things I already know. Namely, that I am a fantastic writer, but also that I am writing about the same shit over and over and over again. Oh, and that I’m cursing too much.

One of those things has to change if I want to move myself and this undertaking forward, at least per the aforementioned built-in four-person audience, and I don’t plan to become a shitty fucking writer anytime fucking soon, so. Now what?

How we got here

Well, you know the whole story. A physical crisis begat mental and emotional ones; the subsequent physical plateau begat mental and emotional spirals. And amidst the emergence from said spirals? A desperate desire to move the fuck on and figure it all the fuck out.

(...Those ^^ have to be the most egregious and annoying sentences I’ve ever written. I cannot waaait to hear what the fam thinks!!)

Regardless, the desire to grow this newsletter/myself/my life is very much real. I take a look at the “‘content’ ‘calendar’” I have planned for the weeks ahead to make sure I’m not about to try and act on feedback that is rooted in my immediate family just being annoyed at my spamming instead of reality:

I count two mentions of pigeon-holing in my very serious document and no fewer than five existential questions I’ve already spent thousands of words poking at to no avail. You? Yeah. Alrighty.

What we’re (maybe) trying to do about it

If I say “looking deeply into my heart to figure out what the fuck I actually want to accomplish here,” will you leave immediately? If I insist “I want to do what I know I’ll be proud of, but I also want to make other people proud,” will you positively gag? If I admit “honestly, I’ve been so tempted to book a fucking trip to Orlando and walk around the parks gorging myself just to keep people interested while I find my legitimate lane and rhythm,” will that be your final straw?

Oh my god. I have to figure out how to care less about what you think. Or, at the very least, simply figure out who this new version of me even really is.

But until I can do that, I’ll think out loud. In no particular order, here’s where I’m at:

1. I want to do something that feels purposeful. I want to, somehow, some way, affect positive change via my work. (NOT TO REPEAT MYSELF (ha! Ha! Ha!), but I’ve had a hard time separating real-life me and work-life me, so I may as well mush the two and do good work.)

   1. The only way I’ve found that I myself can legitimately help people feel some sort of fun, escapist something or some sort of confirming, sanity-helping something is through my writing. Also, through stuffing my fucking face on camera. It’s not really the kind of good I’d hoped I’d be able to do, but there is merit in that. Right? Right??

2. I want to have fun. I deserve to have fun. It’s OK if that coincides with what I know people want from me.

   1. A coincidence that my most engaging new video to date is me frantically shoving piles of prosciutto into my face while orgasmically chugging a Diet Coke? I’m gonna say that’s a no. You nostalgic sick fucks! (Not derogatory.)

3. I gotta make money.

   1. A coincidence that the video that’s made me most money to date is me chugging wine and talking shit (both literal and fun and figurative)? I’m…gonna say that’s a no. You spicy sick fucks!! (Said gleefully.)

   2. Ugh. I just have to stay the fucking course here, don’t I.

a recent attempt to stay the course, i guess

How we’re eating through it

Bacon and bread this week. Specifically: bacons and eggs and cheeses on bread. Even more specifically: bacon, egg, & cheeses. Covered in ketchup and saltier than they should be and so very correct in their New Jersey way. For what it’s worth, my mom did not respond to me in the group chat, but did side-text me to say she “liked this week’s episode. It’s classic Tess.” Which is to say…it’s a repetitive, cursing mess? :) I’m kidding. It was fun. That comment makes me smile and I like where it landed.

Just to wrap the bit up and repeat myself for the 423rd time here, I’m still working on a paid sub plan. I’m now thinking to start sending out a food- and Bite Back-specific write-up on Wednesdays when the episode drops; paying subscribers will get a fuller breakdown of the food tour and recommendations for the week. I’d then keep this Thursday drop free—it felt a bit icky to paywall subject matter expertise last week. I didn’t love that!

Anyway. Enjoy. See you next week for something undoubtedly super fresh and exciting. Kisses, sickos.

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Art by Amanda Suarez